Naptime

So, I pulled those two big muscles in your shoulders (what are those...sternocleiomastoids? It's been a long time since A&P). Anyway, I decided to nap when the kids napped today to rest, and had a dream about my dad. Now, as one might be able to tell, I could probably benefit from some light-hearted good old-fashioned psychotherapy!
In the immediate aftermath of his death, I would have scary, weekend at Bernie's type dreams that turned into me reliving his death EVERY time I had a dream. Now, they are few and far between, but I can never really tell what sparks them. This time, it may have been something as simple as Kara saying to me yesterday in the car out of nowhere, "I can't believe Bampa Tom had to die, that's really sad." Or it could be from my talks with Kim about her dad dying. Or maybe it was b/c today I was recounting what it was like to have a cat back when I lived with my Dad.
I just woke up from it in a mini-anxiety attack with my heart racing and slightly short of breath. Most of my dreams are of things that never happened, that maybe I wish had, like funeral planning, him telling me things to do in my dream, etc. This one was him laying in a hospital bed, telling me he has to go the bathroom when an "aide" comes in and starts using his phone hooked on the bed. So, I lay down with him waiting for the aide to finish her phone call, so I can take him to the bathroom. Finally she leaves and my Dad has gotten very drowsy, I ask him if he still needs to go to the bathroom. He starts to cry and says "no, now I feel sick to my stomach". The pain on his face and the tears are killing me. I tell him that the nurse can give him something for that and then break down telling him that I love him, and that I hate cancer and what it has done to him. On the tip of my tongue is "I can't take this anymore" but the nurse comes in with pills and is going about her business, despite my breakdown. I am sobbing and sobbing and laying on his chest, identically to the way I broke down when he took his last breath. Then, I wake up to hear Jillian babbling and realize that 1) I don't have to go through seeing him like that anymore and 2)If it meant seeing him one more day like that, with cancer, I wouldn't want it. Cancer, you're a shitty ass acquaintance and I hope you get hit by a truck.......